Walls

 Tonight, just like most nights, Emmi, Clif and I were outside puttering around. We mowed the lawn, watered the garden and played. And like most nights, we wandered over to the neighbors house. You see our neighbors are our really good friends. I would call her one of my top 5 friends. I love and trust her with my soul. But one moment made our strong foundation wobble a bit. 

Another neighbor had also come over to join us in a chat. I’ve never met this neighbor before but was happy to meet her since we live so close to one another and she is friends with my friend whose home we were at. After a minute One of her kids ran over to get her and said “we sound like retards yelling at you!” 

At that moment my heart stopped. Since it wasn’t our home and since my friend is friends with this neighbor I didn’t feel comfortable saying anything. I looked at my friend,  then the lady, then at the kid hoping someone would say something, but no one did. I could feel my whole body clench and my heart shatter. I quickly glanced at Emmi to see her reaction but she just played with a stick on the ground, unaware of the moment. I didn’t want to cause a scene so I just gathered Emmi and Clif and quickly left. 

As I came inside tears welled. I was so angry. Why hasn’t my friend said something? Why do people still use that word that way? Why do I feel such a strong defense? But most importantly, how can I keep Emmi from ever feeling the sting of that word? 

I instantly reprimanded myself for forgetting why I never let my self let my guard down and really let people be my friends. This is why! I feel so let down because my friend knows how that word makes me feel and more importantly, she knows what that word is going to mean to Emmi as she grows up. I really felt that was a great moment to help someone understand. But she didn’t. I dont know if she felt embarrassed or didn’t care enough or was just too worried about ruining a relationship. I cant answer that. All I know is, she knowingly let it slide. Knowing how it was making me feel. I guess at the end of the day, I should know better than to expect from people what I expect from myself.  I can’t use the excuse that she didn’t know. I wish I could. But 20 minutes later she came over to ask me if I was OK. She told me she knew what was wrong. She said that she saw my entire body change. So unfortunately, I can’t play the ignorance card.

See, that’s the problem with being a special needs parent. It’s hard to trust. Who really loves your kid the way they say they do? Who can you trust to want to provide them with a safe place? Free of discrimination or words that would dehumanize them? 

I still love this friend. I just felt the seeds of doubt planting themselves. I felt that wall starting to go up. And when walls go up because you want to protects your kids in that way, especially for special needs parents, they don’t come down.  They cement themselves into place and make it harder for the next person to break through. Because once you fully trust someone that way and they betray that, the next person you’re a little more cautious with. 

But maybe that’s how we protect ourselves. That’s how we protect these special little humans that we’ve been entrusted with. Maybe by putting our walls up and making people break them down, that’s how we create the safest world possible for them.